The dreaded question...

So Miss Fielding, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

A moment of pause follows while I shift in my seat. The suit I chose for the interview looks smoking hot, but is making me sweat like a fat man on sauna day. My new high heels are possibly one size too small, but there was no time yesterday to contemplate how they would feel today. To top it all off, am pretty sure I forgot to turn my mobile on silent and with my luck, is about to go off any second.


Well, I guess the best way to describe myself would be that I am a chronic workaholic, I think I have cancer, and I can't remember the last time I had really great sex.

I lock my car doors every time I pull up at the traffic lights, and I hate the guy in the safety vest who thinks it's OK to 'clean' my car windscreen by wiping his dirty squeegie over it. I buy things in double from the supermarket even though am not getting a better deal, and probably didn't even need the product in the first place.

I hate cold feet, chicken corn chowder and people who use the phrase '...so we should totally catch up soon...' to get out of an awkward conversation.

Sometimes, I avoid going to bed because I can't be bothered to clean my teeth, and yet no matter how big of a night it has been, won't get into bed without at least attempting to have good oral hygiene. Speaking of hygiene, I am convinced I am a cat and hate showering at the best of times. It's just something about having to get all wet that freaks me out.

My favourite condiments are cheese and BBQ sauce. I'll cheese with just about anything, especially rice. Am so deluded about how amazing my cooking is that I will talk to my imaginary audience when I cook; incredibly though, no one ever talks back.

I also have a misguided sense of romanticism which includes strong musclebound men from the wilderness, in particular, Alaska. On love, I never practise what I preach, and would say that I am as bigger fraud as Austen. I always choose friendships over relationships, as it's less likely to hurt when it ends, and take everything that is done and said to me personally.

Right now, I can only list four people in my phone who aren't in a serious relationship, and the phrase 'it's complicated' is used in relation to my life at least once a day.

I have also seen 'Fatal Attraction', and so that means am less crazy than you. Yes, you with the weird hair and what looks to be a nervous tick, but is just you checking your phone to see if he has called after your little Saturday night rendezvous. Sweetheart, it's Wednesday already - he's not going to call.

And as to your question as to what my five year plan is?

I have trouble deciding what colour underpants to wear in the morning, I don't even know what I am going to eat for lunch after this interview is over, and I sure as hell have no idea what I will be doing in 5 days time, let alone 5 years.

Thank you for your time today.

Oh, and to add to that list, I always cry at the end of the movie The Gladiator.